For those of you who don't know, Gilbert 'Agent Zero' Arenas was, until last week, an All Star point guard for the Washington Wizards. He was suspended indefinitely last week because he violated NBA rules by keeping unloaded guns in the Wizards locker room. the situation is so serious it being investigated by the FBI.
On behalf of Goons from Hoods all around the world, let me talk directly to Gil.
Gilbert,
You're a dumbass, son. Did you think that us Goons and Hood Rats would have your back on this one? NO!
Why would you keep your burner (gun) in the locker room? That's just as bad as keeping guns on your tour bus or in your sweat pants.
That's your bread and butter you're fu@#ing with. There is no forgiveness or understanding for pulling such a dumb move.
Let's not get it twisted. The Hood has no problem with you having guns. Shiiit, if you didn't have guns we'd have robbed you by now. But you messed around and lost your job. In the Hood it's all about M.I.A.M.I and C.R.E.A.M. If it wasn't for the fact that one more thing gone wrong might break you, I would have certified you 'Not Hood"!
With Loving Disgust, The Hood
But that's not the worst part for Gilbert Arenas, not by a long shot. In Nov of '09 the news broke that Shaq was cheating on his wife, Shanice O'Neal, with Gilbert's fiance. She did Gil soooooo dirty, son. Straight sucio.
(l to r) Gilbert Arenas, Laura Govan, Shaq, Shanice O'Neal
Here are the emails between Shaq and Gibert's fiance, Laura Govan:
Now the guns, in anticipation of a Shaq away game visit, make sense.
This lovely lady right here is 25 year old Nicki Minaj, the self described 'Harajuku Barbie', straight out of Queens, NY. She came out big in late '09 as a part of Lil' Wayne's Young Money Entertainment label after some mixtape buzz.
Now she's performing with the likes of Weezy F. Baby and Dizzy Drake from Degrassi
At first look, she's all TnA. Her body is 'on point' to almost unbelievable proportions (which has resulted in a little controversy). But, after listening to her raps with quirky titles, she won over my mind in addition to my body.
Here. Give her song 'Itty Bitty Piggy' a listen to:
Her lyrics are pretty good .
She's not without her 'Hood' controversy, however. A LOT is being made about her figure. Men and women alike ogle her body and some, like ABDC's Lil' Mama, have taken offense. Lil' Mama's gripe is that Minaj is a bad role model cuz she uses her sex appeal to the max. I say that's a soft excuse to hate on somebody, Lil' Mama. Minaj is bangin and her lyrics sound better than some stupid Lip Gloss song. C'mon , Son!
In the end, the single greatest question about Nicky Minaj that keeps coming up is: Does she add padding to her ass? I kid you not. If she does, then it's a travesty and I stand here before you a broken man.
To anyone who hates the Yankees and hints that New Yorkers are spoiled by a franchise that makes it rain contracts of $200 million I say, "Go to hell". If you're a New York City Goon you're a Yankees or Mets fan but you're also Knicks fan.
When you're a Knicks fan, you know what it is to struggle. The Knicks are bunz (zeroes). If you even mention the names of former Knicks execs SottLayden and Isiah Thomas a chill runs down my back and anger fills my veins.
The Knicks have been bad for most of the 2000s and every fan knows why: Constanntly trading away draft picks for high priced and degrading players, signing players to untradable contracts, not having player taller than 6'9" Kurt Thomas for years, and hiring Isiah Thomas. I feel like I can run the Knicks Front Office with the help of average New Yorkers.
The only ray of light the Knicks have had recently is the drafting of David Lee out of the University of Florida in 2005. David Lee has risen to be arguably the best American born white guy in the NBA.
He started out as a role playing rookie and has grown into a double double machine. He honed his perimeter shot and can score with both hands. He hustles and Knicks fans love that. We HATE Tim "Fugazy' Thomas
The Knicks finally seem on the right track and the horrible contracts they signed come off the books in 2010. I hope David Lee is a part of the new look Knicks in the new decade ... along with Lebron James, Dwayne Wade, Chris Bosh, and Jesus Christ (he plays point guard.)
A couple of weeks ago, Jay-Z agreed to change his last name to Knowles-Carter. I want to ask Hov what he's thinking right now because I can already hear the 50 Cent's dis track in the works.
Dear Mr. Knowles,
Like for real, playboy, that's how you feel right now? Just gonna take your girl's last name like that? Gonna go from self-proclaimed Greatest Rapper (alive) to Mr. Knowles? Word, son? Just not gonna care anymore? That's no good, Sean Knowles-Carter, no good at all.
Sincerely, The Hood
P.S. Hov, I want to thank you, too. Because if someone as ungodly unattractive as you can get a girl like Beyonce then that means women like her are within reach for average joes like us who aren't as hideous.
But to be honest, if I were in his position and Beyonce was my girl, I would change my last name to Knowles before you could say "Can you pay my bills? Can you pay telephone bills? Can you pay my automobills". But she's not so there we go.
I also want to congratulate Beyonce:
Dear Beyonce,Your swag is so crazy right now. Not only do you have Kanye West making little white girls named Taylor cry in your name but you've got the titan of rap, Jay-Z, to hyphenate his last name to include yours. Not only that but you also made him put Carter second. I respect your hustle, Beyonce, you've got to keep the Knowles name alive at all costs.
Game time speeches are a big fucking deal. Probably the biggest. And the last game time speech you will ever give is bound to be one of the most important. Sadly, not much footage is available to highlight the profound effect that a person's final words can carry.
Thank god for Hollywood (and Canada) for the film industry. Because when you want to sell movies you have to make that shit epic. Now with state-of-the-art scripts, writers are able to physically put game time speeches into most modern movies!
Brandon: Haaaaayyyy! How dey dew dat?
Me: Huh, who said that? Brandon Jacobs, is that you? Did you wander into my blog? Whoa slow down there, Brandon. I'll tell you how cinematic speeches work right now.
(Brandon Jacobs is a New York Giants running back and millionaire.Here’s Brandon in one of the most painful interviews I've ever seen:
Well Brandon, they do it by giving some movie characters a few departing words before they die. Usually film executives use this species of game time speech in order to deliver a moral, divulge some plot changing information, or rile up emotions in the audience. I want to describe some 'last words' from two of my favorite movies with clips readily available on the World Wide Web.
Brandon: Hmm, Wathcha Say?
Me: oh i mean the Internet.
Brandon: One more time? Not followin' you, coach.
Me: Coach? Oh my god, what is wrong with y… The World Wide Web’s the Internet. You can go on twitter or facebook and follow* your friends from a safe and technically legal distance. You can set up Yahooligans! For your kids …
Brandon: OH, YAHOOLIGANS! I get you now.
Me: Riiight.
These movie clips can help you understand the magnitude of important speeches and last words. Remember these words are fragile and you can easily mess them up.
So take my hand, reader, as we soar through the worlds of blu-ray images.Don’t look down. We’re passing all the Van Wilder and American Pie sequels. Don’t be scared. I won’t let you go.
Let’s begin!
So it's game time and your about to throw down. You're so pumped up that you'll have no problem ...
Taking out that goddamn raptor that's been eating everyone.
I'll give you some background. Robert Muldoon, the Game Warden of Jurassic Park peeps a loitering raptor. This raptor has been hanging out, drinking, cursing, and giving the neighborhood a bad name. He can't call the Raptor's parents because ... well ... it was artificially created by scientists. Naturally, he goes to Plan B: Assault Rifle. But when he's ready to shoot ...
All I have to say is:Oh my god, dude! What a fucking MAN. Oh wow. So baller! Swagger on a hundred thousand trillion.
My man Muldoon has just been outdone by a fucking dinosaur! D-I-N-O-S-A-U-R!What does he do? He has a 'Real Recognize Real' moment before he dies. His last words consisted of him giving props to a formerly extinct carnivorous creature that plans on eating him alive!He's not even mad he’s gonna die.
To be fair he’s responsible for keeping these dangerous creatures in check.After this fiasco he'd never work again.He’s better off going down all bad ass like in the clip.
His last words still resonate with me today. "Clever girl."
Moral: Don't die like a bitch.That’s why I carry a grenade with the pin pulled out with me everywhere I go.
Game Time Speeches.Scene 2. Mark.
That last scene from Jurassic Park must have left you so inspired. So inspired that you'll get your ring back from two little jerks before they drop it into a random ass lava pit.
Background: The Lord of the Rings is the story of Gollum. Gollum's a lttle person with a story to tell. Gollum had a swagger that few could match. Then two homeless, shoeless little people jumped him and took his clothes. Now they want to destroy his favorite pinky ring by dropping it into a volcano. Who does that? Show some class.
His pinky ring is so powerfully fly that everyone wants it for all the guaranteed 'tang that comes with it. Oh and I think it makes you invisible. In this scene, Gollum has finally tracked down the thieves to the fires of Mount Doom. This won't end well.
Oh, Gollum's the ugly barely clothed dude.
“Precious, precious, precious! My Precious! O, my Precious!” – Gollum
What a waste. What? No. Not a waste of life.Look at him. Gollum looks like Sam Cassell He'll never live a normal life.
And if you think that the destruction of a ring that has the power to rule the world is a waste You are WRONG.
What a waste of a Game Time Speech..It’s your last speech, little man thing.But what do you do? You sell out and plug the movie: Precious, in theaters now, Tyler Perry’s newest film made in association with HARPO productions and starring the fabulously flab Mo’Nique. Gollum, you're a fuckin sell out, bro.
GAME TIME speeches. The greatest motivational tool that the gods gave to man on Mt. Olympus on the eve of the first Olympics. Us mortals took it, kept it, and perfected it. There's even a modern day profession solely based on the game time speech: professional coaching.
In their own little way, everyone is a coach and everyone has used a game time speech at least once in their lives.
There is no scenario where a game time speech cannot be used or should not be used (if there's no real opponent you can even use the 'me vs. the world' view on things like I did to pump myself up for a 1999 trumpet recital ... that's right, I won that first chair and I was ruthless). If you need a little pick me up, then pop in a copy of Any Given Sunday for that famous game time speech or go to your favorite search engine and search: "any given sunday speech". Go ahead copy and paste the text into the search bar. Keep the quotes. Actually, you know what? I'll do the work for you. Here, I found it: No no no I'll wait ... don't browse through your gmail just watch the video all the way through ...
So? How do you feel? I know right! It just makes you want to change the world. You want to hit a home run in the bottom of the 9th to win the World Series, rampage through the streets with your best friends for a night of insane fun, kill a man for the woman you secretly love, or fight through complete exhaustion and write that last paper. It's like a 5 hour energy drink except instead of B12 you're injected with EPIC.
I've used game time speeches before broom ball games, basketball games, even once in the middle of a kindergarten vs. pre-K soccer game. Why? Because they work.
You can't stop game time speeches. You can only motivate yourself enough to control them.
Gilbert Arenas, No. 0
(l to r) Gilbert Arenas, Laura Govan, Shaq, Shanice O'Neal
Now the guns, in anticipation of a Shaq away game visit, make sense.
